Karate, on the other hand, is an art form and one in which I invested a great deal. So I have expectations.
For example, my expectations of my students are that they show up and make an effort. That they be respectful and honest. And that when it is time for them to move on, that they will have the integrity and confidence to look me in the eye and say goodbye.
I used to think that was not a lot to ask. I have learned that it is.
As for myself, I am still trying to figure out what my expectations are. All I know is that they are high. High enough that I often have to drag myself up to the dojo to practice. With no colleagues to hide among and no students to teach, I'm all alone there on the dojo floor. Me, my perfectionism and I.
Lesson #1: Beginner's Mind is NOT... avoiding practice knowing you'll always fall short of your own expectations.
This week I had the privilege of substituting for one class of a Karate/ Martial Arts Instructor Course. The Head Instructor asked me to teach about my style. Once i accepted, it didn't take long for the demons to catch up with me.
How could I possibly represent my style? All I could do was run mental clips of George Donahue, Paris Janos, and Chris Walton, not to mention Shinzato-sensei and think: "Look at that. I can't do that. I'm still a Beginner (6-7 years later); how can I show them anything?"
After far too much time worrying, I finally got to teach the class: relaxed, enjoyable. No problem.
I started with a little history of Okinawan karate to help them understand the context of the art, in particular how it is related to Shotokan karate, the style most of them represent. We ran through some concepts: moving from and through the center, koshi, Figure 8s, arches, compression, torque... and did some exercises that play with those concepts. And I threw some of Sensei Rosati's Yakusoku Kumite at the end, just for fun.
In other words, there are, in fact, some things that I know and some things I can do. I don't know them or do them nearly as well as my teachers, but I still have plenty to show to people who either don't do them at all or haven't had the opportunity to focus on them as I have.
Lesson #2: Beginner's Mind is NOT.... insisting that you still don't know anything.
So, today, I was ruminating about what to practice. That's Something you don't have to worry about when you run--- Just turn on the music and run. And it's something you don't have to worry about when you go to class. Someone else does the worrying for you. When I finally managed to skirt around all the obstacles I threw in my path and got upstairs to practice, I decided to practice Naihanchi. And Naihanchi. And Naihanchi. And Naihanchi....Over and over again.
Not my first kata. Not my fanciest kata. Not even a wall-to-wall run-through of all of my kata. Just the one kata that, according to Kishaba Juku, serves as the basis for rediscovering and revitalizing them all.
I think I may know what I am looking for every time I climb those stairs up to the dojo. I'm looking for a mini-epiphany. I have had so many of them since I began to practice Kishaba Juku that I am thoroughly addicted. I expect at least one every time I practice. Totally unreasonable. What teacher could possibly meet an expectation like that? And, because I am alone, the teacher that I expect to be that brilliant every time s/he steps on the deck...is me.
So, I have plenty of meditation and spiritual practice ahead on taming my Ego. Tormenting myself doesn't seem to work. Neither does selling myself short...
And, about that epiphany? Yeah. I had one. Something about the looseness of the arms, the snap it creates and changing directions. I've already started worrying about whether I'll be able to remember what it was next time I practice.
Addiction-1, Reasonable expectations-0. And counting.
No comments:
Post a Comment